Losing a loved one is one of the most difficult and challenging experiences a person can endure in their lifetime. For a child, navigating such loss can be especially bewildering and overwhelming. Grief is inevitable; we will all encounter it in our lives, and each person copes with it differently. How a child is supported during bereavement profoundly affects their health, worldview, social connections, and future emotional well-being. Some may experience fear, others guilt; some may lose appetite or sleep, while others find themselves unable to cease crying or feeling anything at all.
It is crucial to reassure the child that feeling sad is a natural response and that expressing emotions such as sadness, worry, anger, guilt, or even rage is perfectly acceptable.
WHEN DISCUSSING DEATH WITH CHILDREN:
- Provide information using simple language
“Sometimes, people we love very much pass away. This means they won’t be with us anymore. It’s like they’re sleeping and won’t wake up. It’s sad, but it’s a part of life.”
- Encourage questions and answer them truthfully
“If you have any questions about what happened or how you’re feeling, it’s okay to ask. I’ll do my best to explain everything truthfully, so you understand.”
An example of a question from a child might be “Why do people die?” A simple and truthful response could be “When someone dies, it means their body has stopped working, and they can’t be with us anymore. Just like how our bodies need food and water to keep working, sometimes, bodies get old or sick, and they stop working. It’s a natural part of life’s cycle. While we might not fully understand why it happens, it’s something that happens to everyone eventually. Even though we can’t see them anymore, the memories we have of them stay with us forever, and that’s something special.”
- Reassure the child of their loved status
“Even though [loved one’s name] isn’t here with us anymore, they loved you very much, and you were special to them. You’ll always be loved, no matter what.”
- Clarify that they are not responsible; sometimes, unfortunate events occur, and no one is to blame
“It’s important to know that what happened isn’t anyone’s fault. Sometimes, these things happen, and it’s nobody’s fault. It’s okay to feel sad or upset about it.”
- Return to regular activities and schedules as soon as feasible
“It might feel strange or hard to go back to our usual routines, but it’s important to do so. It helps us feel a bit better and reminds us that life goes on, even though we miss [loved one’s name].”
- Provide opportunities for the child to discuss or memorialize the departed person or pet
“We can talk about [loved one’s name] whenever you want. We can share stories about them, look at pictures, or even do something special to remember them, like planting a flower or writing a letter.”
It’s important for caregivers to tailor their responses to the specific circumstances and sensitivities involved in supporting children through grief. Additionally, ongoing support and flexibility in communication are crucial as children navigate their emotions and understanding of loss over time. If in doubt, seeking guidance from a grief counsellor, child psychologist, or other mental health professional can provide valuable insights and support in addressing children’s grief effectively.
ACTIVITIES TO AID IN COPING WITH LOSS:
Create a Memory Box: Help the child assemble a memory box to safeguard precious mementos, objects, or photographs of the departed. This can serve as a therapeutic outlet, allowing the child to feel close to the person or pet.
Maintain an Art or Writing Journal: Encourage the child to express their emotions through drawing or writing, providing an outlet that can be either private or shared. This offers another avenue for processing their grief.
Construct a Thankful Tree: Cut out leaves and a tree trunk to fashion a tree representing all the things the child is grateful for in their life. This activity serves as a positive reminder of the wonderful aspects of their life, even amidst their grief.
Engage in Special Activities: Loss can burden both the mind and body, making it essential to allocate time for physical activities and pursuits that bring joy and solace. Whether it’s a simple picnic in the park, a family slumber party, a movie and pizza night, or an adventurous hike, actively create cherished memories that can momentarily alleviate the pain of loss.
RESOURCES:
My Life, My Grief (a Canadian Virtual Hospice resource)- An activity book that will help your child think about grief and how someone’s death is affecting their life
Children’s books to help cope with loss and grief (click on the image to expand):
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
Ida, Always by Caron Levis and Charles Santoso
When Dinosaurs Die by Laurie Brown
Grandad’s Island by Benji Davies
The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr
I Miss You: A First Look at Death by Pat Thomas
The Memory Tree by Britta Teckentrup
I’ll Always Love You by Hans Wilhelm
HELPFUL LINKS FOR CAREGIVERS:
KidsGrief.ca – Talking with kids and teens about serious illness, dying and death
Burnaby Hospice Society – Centre for Grief & Loss
BC Bereavement Helpline (BCBH) – Coping with Grief
Child Mind Institute – Helping Children Cope With Grief (a guide)